Pelmeni

Before I begin to recap the account of making pelmeni, if you are only interested to know whether or not it’s worth it to make Russian dumplings from scratch, let me save you the time and energy. NO! NO! IT IS NOT WORTH IT! Go to the grocery store and fake it! Buy frozen pierogis and improvise from there! Boil them for a few minutes and voila! Not exactly the same thing but the cost benefit analysis says: store bought.

When I was searching for inspiration for my next cooking adventure I thought about the glorious days when the food was cheap, delicious, and required zero effort. Ah, undergrad. Within a stone’s throw of my apartment I could get amazing food from Afghanistan, east Africa, Nepal, Greece, Germany and Cuba for less than $10. Which got me reminiscing about PelMeni, perhaps one of Madison’s best kept secrets before it went under.

The strange store front was owned by brothers from Alaska, whose appearances I can’t remember but who I imagine looked like this:



and this:




They created a Russian dumpling restaurant but ended up sinking the hole in the wall establishment by feuding. Suddenly it just disappeared, mourned by the in-the-know masses. PelMeni was a storefront whose windows were ALWAYS fogged up and steamy, so strangers never bothered to check it out. Only known by the regulars, upon entering you were greeted by a stack full of records, a dingy record player, and a man (who looked like the men above) standing by a giant stew-pot in the back. One thing was on the menu: dumplings. Meat or potato. Or “combo”. For $5 you got a Styrofoam takeout container packed to the brim with pelmeni, and a soda of your choice. Eating at one of the cheap plastic tables at Pelmeni was one of those shared experiences where you gasped for air because it was so hot and spicy, and collectively sighed relief when the cold sour cream hit your tongue and relieved you.

So I decided to make them from scratch. It began as a disaster of epic proportions. Possibly my worst cooking experience ever. I was fully prepared that I was not going to be able to eat a single one, and was going to have to go to 7/11 for a hot dog for dinner.

For one, it called for grated onions. Now, I was not about to grate onions. Nothing, really, sounds more painful. So through a brutal series of events by which every “chopping” machine I owned broke down (to include my blender), I ended up chopping two onions into oblivion by hand. And through my tears, mascara, and snot I could tell they still weren’t small enough, which I was pretty sure would ruin the dumplings. Next, here’s what seasoned chefs know but I DID NOT. When making dough, add cold water VERY incrementally. My dough ended up so sticky that I had to peel every tiny piece off the antique rolling pin my mom gave me for Christmas. It was a tedious process and the texture ended up totally F’d.

I also ended up with about 2/3 of the meat mixture left over, because the dough/meat ratio ended up all screwed up. So I guess I will either be eating meat burgers for the next few days, or I am going to have to try to make this dough again.

All in all, though, they turned out so delicious I was really glad I had about 30 extra dumplings, which should make at least two more meals. I froze them for later. They didn’t taste EXACTLY like the restaurants’ dumplings (the dough was too thick), but the main flavors were there and maybe with a few more tries making dough by hand I will nail it. Or maybe I will just buy frozen perogis and add the toppings myself. Because this took me 2.5 hours to accomplish and that’s a lot of time to spend on dumplings. You won’t get the meat (pierogies are made with potato) but WHO CARES after all this effort saved.

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup water
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 pound ground beef
1/2 pound ground pork
2 medium onions, finely chopped
1 tsp salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
Garlic, to taste

To make the dough, combine the flour, eggs, water and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Knead mixture. Let rest for 30 minutes.

Mix the ground beef, ground pork, onions, 1 teaspoon salt, pepper and garlic together. Roll the dough into a thin layer and cut into small circles. Place a small amount of meat in the center of each circle of dough. Fold the edges of the dough over the meat to form a ravioli-shaped dumpling. Boil the Pelmeni in salted water for seven minutes, or until they float to the surface.

I prefer to drain pelmeni and serve with the following toppings. I don't know if this is traditional Russian style but it sure is delicious.

Toppings:
Spicy curry powder
2-3 dollops of sour cream
splash of apple cider vinegar
3-4 shakes of Tobasco sauce
6-10 sprigs of cilantro (leaves only)

And the grand total? $8.59